“You've talked about taking a timeout when things get too heated. I feel my husband uses this phrase as a way of avoiding the problems we face. Unfortunately, communication in our marriage has become so unpleasant and difficult that timeouts have become a lifestyle and we have virtually no communication. I'm talking like years and years, at least 15. At this point I feel we have no connection and no relationship, along with so many unresolved issues I don't even know where to start. We have been married for 35 yrs. I don't want to give up, but I do not want to live the rest of my life with a hostile stranger. HELP!!!”

• Why in the world could everything we teach be bad?
  • Because you can twist anything good and make it bad...anything!
  • This is why Jesus made such a big deal about our hearts, our intentions, the true desire behind our actions.
• It matters WHY you are doing something.
  • Timeouts are good, but bad when
    • “I feel my husband uses this phrase as a way of avoiding the problems we face.”
    • Used to avoid
    • Used to control
    • When you never come back to resolve the conversation
    • “At this point I feel we have no connection and no relationship, along with so many unresolved issues I don't even know where to start.”
• Here’s where you have to be careful.  Like the saying goes, “You can’t eat an elephant in one bite.” Which when I Googled the phrase, I discovered I’ve been saying it wrong (of course): “When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.” Creighton Abrams
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• However, Mike Martel has an article at “Achieve the Green Beret Way” (http://achievethegreenberetway.com/dont-eat-the-elephant-one-bite-at-a-time/) that comes at this problem a little differently.  In essence, if you eat an elephant one bite at a time, it’s going to spoil, you’ll hate elephant, and frankly, it’s never going to happen because it is just too big to eat for one human.
  • Therefore, bring a community around you for this problem.  Don’t tackle it alone.
  • I’d recommend doing both things.  Take it one issue at a time, but also bring in community around you.  Even if your husband doesn’t want it, you can still find the support and encouragement community brings.
  • Church, women’s group, a mentor, counselor, etc.
• “ I don't want to give up, but I do not want to live the rest of my life with a hostile stranger. HELP!”
  • You’re not going to like this part, but you don’t have to give up and you don’t have to be miserable.
  • This past Fall we were helping with a marriage class at our church.  It was unpacking Ephesians 5:21-33. "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault."  Ephesians 5:25-27
  • This is about the changing power of Grace.  As a wife, you can do this too!  The best way to change someone is to love them like Christ does.
  • Your hope is in Christ